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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.